Pseudo 'Mo' Freedom
by Calen
Summary: Xander needs help, he goes to extremes to get that help.


Pseudo 'Mo' Freedom   
Author: Calen  
10/09/01  
  
Disclaimer: I own everythi..nothing!   
  
Spoilers: Season 5  
  
Summary: Xander needs help, he goes to extremes to get that help.  
  
Rating: Not sure...PG-13 sounds good.  
  
Distribution: Bugger off...just read it....it's mine.  
  
Feedback: Okay this is short and most likely crap...I don't think it's crap....well at least in my head it didn't seem crap...but now that I've put it out...it might seem crap. You let me know.  
  
Notes: Okay this is after The Gift.   
  
  
  
Prologue also known as Part 1  
  
  
  
Rushing into his apartment, Xander slammed the door closed. His mind rushing through a million thoughts.  
What was he doing?   
  
How did it get this far?   
  
Did he care?   
  
Why?   
  
When?  
  
Who?   
  
Why?  
  
When?  
  
Who?   
  
He just wanted the pain to stop. Taking off his coat he sat down on the couch in his living room. Placing the fluorescent blue vial on the table, he sat back contemplated what he should do. Thinking back he felt tears well up in his eyes again, the ever present ache in his heart becoming more and more prominent with each passing memory.   
  
He remembered looking at the fallen body of his friend, his best friend after their battle with Glory. He was cradling Anya in his arms as they all looked on. He couldn't cry, men don't let their emotions rule them, especially in public. It was one lesson he was grateful (in a screwed up way) to his father for.  
  
He leaned his head against Anya's for comfort...and felt her suddenly convulse in spasms. He quickly laid her down, shouting at the other's to help. After two more frantic shouts they all jumped out of whatever trances they were in and followed Tara's lead to help, she being the first to snap herself back. The Ambulance came quickly, but it was all in vain.   
  
His girlfriend, his fiancee......his whole world came crashing down as he looking through the small window in the emergency room doors. He heard those shattering words,  
  
"She's gone," the doctor said, shaking his head. "Time of death, 4:35pm....." The rest was a blur, Giles had managed to get him home. That week, both Anya and Buffy were buried. He didn't want to talk, he didn't want to feel anything. So for the following couple weeks he emersed himself in his work. Working every single hour of overtime he was offered. It left him tired and exhausted, but most nights it was enough to keep his mind away from feeling.  
  
But there was still the sleeping and the nightmares which plagued him every night. He hadn't been anywhere near the Magic Box since the funeral. He hadn't seen any of them. They were dealing with their own pain, and Xander didn't want to help them deal with theirs, because he didn't want to deal with his. So he ignored it and them.   
  
It had all blown up in his face, holding everything in, the constant nightmares....all of his pain surfaced when Spike...of all people had come to see him. Apparently Dawn missed him, needed him. He couldn't explain it, but he'd exploded. He let all of his anger out...and unluckily for Spike, he was there to bear the brunt of it. Spike couldn't fight back due to his chip and Xander wasn't holding anything back. He had kicked Spike's battered body down his buildings main stairwell before following him down and throwing him out.  
  
After that day he hadn't been able to control his emotions. Sometimes, he'd just been drinking coffee, reading the paper or at work drawing some plans and his would explode. His boss had given him a forced medical leave, promising him, his job would be there when he came back...but he needed to get help.   
  
So here he was. He'd pushed his friends away. In his mind, he'd all but lost his job, but his boss was right about something. He needed help. And that was exactly what he hoped this vial's contents would provide. He laughed almost bitterly, thanking the 'underworld' and all his years researching for getting him this. Specifically Willy the Snitch and his contacts.  
  
Sitting forward, he shook his head re-leaving himself of anymore inhibitions on whether he was going to do this or not. Picking up the vial, he flicked on the lid and pressed his wrist to cover the top of it. Turning it upside down he gasped jumping slightly, pressing his back against the couch but firmly holding the vial to his wrist. It was cold....ice cold. Looking down he watched wide-eyed as the fluorescent liquid was absorbed by his blood. It's blue colour still clearly visible as it travelled through his veins...up his arm. The cold feeling was still there....he was beginning to feel numb. Suddenly a sharp pain sounded in his head, then nothing.....  
  
  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
It was breath taking. Light fluffy clouds seemed to encompass the whole sky, the sight was breath taking. He could feel the sun rays gently warming his skin. The green picturesque landscape, stretching further than he could see. It felt and looked like something straight from heaven. But here it all was.  
  
He felt free and content.   
  
Nothing could touch him.   
  
He was flying.   
  
  
Closing his eyes he felt the fresh air whip past his face, making him feel more alive than anything thing he'd ever experienced. Flying through the idyllic landscape hours past. Until he saw what looked like antelope....grazing by a lake far below. He smiled mischievously before titling his head down, willing whatever force made caused him seemingly weightless and empowered body to take him down. Kicking his legs out, increasing his speed, he laughed as the headed towards them. Coming upon he shouted out a wooohooo, scaring them from their silent grazing cause then to run in all directions. Grinning he stayed low and dropped his hand to touch the surface of the water, letting his brush through as he came to the end of the water and pulled up again, soaring high in to the clouds as his eyes closed.  
  
He was in a blissful ecstatic world as he felt himself going higher and higher. The air was getting thiner, but he didn't notice or care. The higher he went the more ecstatic he felt. His eyes felt heavy. He couldn't open them....a slightly woozy washed over him, but he never left the blissful place he was in...suddenly everything stopped.  
  
He felt himself falling....but like a feather...slowly floating....swishing from side to side gently until he felt himself stop on something fluffy...gentle...a cloud, he thought before his mind went blank.  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
  
When he woke he felt nothing. His neck was in an awkward position, it looked painful....but he felt nothing. Sitting up he looked over to the clock on his wall....1 minute had passed. He wasn't shocked or surprised...he felt nothing.  
Standing up and walking over to the phone, he punched in his work number.   
  
"Mr Jones...yes...Alexander Harris. I'm fixed sir. I will not have any more emotional problems again. Yes...." finishing the conversation Xander hung up the phone and went into his bedroom, getting ready for work in silence.  
  
  
tbc 


End file.
